Control freak
Control freak. That’s the best way to describe my mother. If it isn’t done her way then it is wrong. It has been like this my whole life. And even now that I am married with a child, it hasn’t changed…in fact, it may have gotten worse. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my mother with all my heart. She is an extremely strong woman who is a great mother and grandmother. But that strength sometimes is a major problem. My self-esteem has always been low, but after I gave birth to my daughter, it fell through the floor. I still lived with my mother who made me feel like I was the most incompetent mother imaginable. According to her, I was bathing her wrong, feeding her wrong, even dressing her wrong! In my opinion, I felt I was doing the best I could and the baby was fine and healthy. My mom doesn’t believe that different doesn’t have to mean wrong. If she likes to bathe her with her left arm and I like to use my right, that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. At the end of the day, the baby is clean! Little things like that start to wear away at your confidence. Every little thing I did was wrong so I started to have the attitude that she should take care of the baby. I thought I was doing such a bad job and I would do anything for my baby to have the best. I was brainwashed to think that only my mother was the best. I would go in my room and cry and hand the baby to my mother. I was sad that I was such a failure but I was even more upset that I would allow my mother to control my emotions like that. And she never believed that she made me feel that way. I was told I was being too sensitive and to lighten up. She would say that she was only trying to help. She likes to tell me when I should do my own personal run arounds, how I should do them, she even checks what I wear to work for fear I will wear something that doesn’t look appropriate. Now that I’m married and no longer living at home, she still finds ways to try to control me. But now, I fight back a little stronger. She likes to tell me when I should cook, when I should make my husband cook, when I should bathe the baby, what I should buy for the house, ect. But she swears she is only giving a suggestion. I explain to her, if it’s only a suggestion, then why, if I choose not to take the suggestion, do you get upset? It’s a constant struggle. I don’t like to argue and my mother is the only person who I argue with. But I’m learning to let things go and not try to live up to my mother’s standards or I will be depressed my whole life.
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Please. For God’s sake – and your own – stand to to her. NOT in a nasty way but resolve to assert yourself.
Be calm (really tough, I know), speak slowly & clearly and be as kind as you can be BUT stand up for yourself & your family.
It doesn’t matter AT ALL which arm you bath baby with. You can choose your OWN clothes and make your OWN decisions re mealtimes! If you screw it up – and you might – it’ll just help you learn for next time
It sounds like your mum – like mine – may be in the grip of some kind of anxiety disorder which means she has to control you in order to feel better about herself – even about her own safety & yours! Some control freaks feel by controlling the outside world they are protecting themselves & loved ones from harm or random chaos. Recognise her fear, it’ll help you stay calm & loving but ASSERT YOURSELF. It’ll be small steps but you CAN make a difference.
(A note to give you hope: My mum still drives me nuts but does at least now recognise when she is crossing the line & she backs off a little. I think she’ll always be a dominating type, at least now I have the respect & space I needed to be a good wife & mum to my 2 boys. GOOD LUCK & hang in there, BE STRONG & DON’T LET HER CRUSH YOU!)
If you say “your selfesteem has always been low” and then you describe your mum (who sounds just like my mum, only that she yells all the time, she never speaks) then I must tell you: “Why do you love her with all your heart?”.
I know this sounds very harsh, but 10 years ago a boy-friend-to-be of mine told me “Your mum doesn’t love you”. Now, 10 years later, I must say: If a mum, who is like you describe your mum and who quite resembles mine, just doesn’t change her ways, even though her daughter asks her (under tears, screaming, feeling like wanting to die that very moment – since: only “SHE” can make us that miserable) then I must conclude, for myself, that this IS NOT love.
I have experienced the same as you describe, about the newborn baby. I was a single mum from day ONE and living on my own. But my mum would visit on the weekends and just not let go about me doing it all wrong, being all nervous when I held the baby and making those pinging silent but so painful remarks whenever I dealt with my child, that at a certain moment I made an ultimatum. I had had a very harsh time bonding with my child due to big harrassment coming from the “father’s” side and really needed peace to bond with my – already- 6months old. I worked finally, once my mum decided she would not come again (instead of changing her ways9).
And today? 4 years later? I have had one surgery (Cancer) and one Meningitis and nearly died, she will never though change her ways.
I believe such mums do love us, the girls, but never did it in the right way (in paying attention to our needs) which is why we (the daughters) painfully thirst for their “acceptance” (because to be accepted the way we are IS love!) but we will just never meet their expectations.
In fact, I have recently come to the conclusion, that such mums are jealous about their own daugther and believe to be in a “competition” with their daughter.
I strongly believe that. I have wasted 36 years of my life waiting to be loved and instead was called all names one can imagine and feel in my education with my son, how hard it is to break the vicious circle my family dragged me in a long time ago.
UGH, I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. DON’T WORRY. MY MUM IS EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
oh my, i have been suffering for 61 years under my mum’s rule. She always and still constantly put me down and will not stop, and always a harsh voice, nothing good to say about me, to myself and never will. What makes them so darn mean. I say, they shouldn’t have had a kid.
I am so happy I stumbled upon this yrs-old post! I am going thru something similar things with my own mom. All thruout my life, she was either not there for me when my dad whipped the hell out of me ever since i was an INFANT she now tells me til I stood up to him at 15y.o. threatening legal action, and then after I had my child. The whole crap started all over again. Insidious though cuz she is so “nice” and sweet to everyone else who knows her…til no one is around with me. It is insidious with her bcuz in many ways we did have fun together and laugh etc, but other than that, no matter what I said or did or how I acted…I was always on teh cusp of either “hurting her feelings”, “being mean to her”, “being too sensitive” about her jabs and arguments, and her incessant advice about dealing w/my child. I’ve done a FAR better job with mine than she has with hers, that’s for damn sure! What’s strange…I’ve NEVER faltered when it comes to the raising of my child no matter how my ex, his mom and my own mom tried to break me down! I was a single mom in NYC, no family around, ran my own small company, tho i was stressed to the max. When I re-married though, I started teaching my daughter how to tip-toe around my new husband’s moods and tempers for fear of “hurting his feelings!” OMG, wake up call! I have since changed and not only stood up to him, he has changed btw unbelievable (and thankfully!) and I just stood up to my mom stating VERY clear boundaries 2 days ago! TY for your enlightening post. I hope you are doing better yrs later!
i feel right at home here… if a daughter is forever striving for a mother’s approval then the self-esteem is always taking a nose-dive… i know i should not be blaming my mum for my low self-esteem but thats how it is… constant yearning to be accepted as you are … flaws and all…
i read all these posts and i couldnt stop crying… i wish mothers were more accepting… taking your offspring on a guilt trip is no way to love them…
Same here. I am almost 36 years old and living with my mom (along with my 7 month old daughter and husband) because she gives me guilt trip that I am the worst daughter ever because the reason I am moving out is because I don’t want to take care of her when she gets older. But I have to move out because she is controlling everything from the grocery I have to buy to how I fold my daughter’s clothes to what clothes my daughter and I have to wear. Everything in my life have her suggestion and when I don’t want to hear her suggestion, she said again I am the worst daughter and mother ever and her suggestions are the most helpful.
My advice: Just be strong and firm and just ignore all those negative comments and so-called suggestions. I think once you can tune out all those comments you would be in a better place.